Maybe One Day

The following is from a journal entry from November 28, 2012...

 

  My heart is having a hard time, I think, determining what my emotional state is,overall, right now. Parts of me are filled with excitement about so many things (the holidays, going home, SOON!....etc.) but parts of me are oh so sad. (having to give Mumu up soon, not being home for Christmas, leaving SOON.) It's all conflicting.

  I'm especially upset, right now, about having to say goodbye to Mumu so soon. though it is a comfort to know we'll have her back for those few weeks in December and January. I'm terrified that this is the last time I have with her. I'm terrified that our hopes or notions or whatever about the possibility of adopting her aren't what's supposed to happen. I can't imagine my life, really, without her.

  I wrote a blog, a few days ago, and it was called 'Confused and Unsure' and I think that's still how I'm feeling. Which sucks. I'll keep praying for peace, I suppose. I am okay, but a bit shaky, I guess. For now I'm savoring these last few days with my Monkey and trying to both not think about the upcoming goodbye, and at the same time, prepare my heart for it. I really am going to miss her so very much. She's so special.

*******

The following is a journal entry from January 16th...

  Last full day with Mumu for awhile today.

  Maybe one day we won't have to worry about the next 'pass-off' to another family. Maybe one day she'll be part of our family forever. Oh how I hope and pray for it. 

  Throughout the day, we all took turns passing around the baby, shedding some tears, just acknowledging and appreciating one of the last few times we would get to hold her. How it felt. Her voice. Her smile.

  It was easier, definitely easier, giving her up last time. For a few reasons. One, obviously, being that we were comforted by the knowledge that, though she was to be gone for a month, she would be back.

  Also,  we are now giving her back over to those who 'loved her first', so to speak. Those who, in some way, have more of a 'right to her' than we do. This family, based on their decisions, could make or break our chances of adopting Mumu. Of course, God's will will surely be done no matter what, and if she's meant to be theirs, she will be theirs, and if she's meant to be ours, she will be also. And ultimately she is His. I must rest in that.

  Finally, it's harder because of  our close proximity to leaving. We are all antsy to go, but she, and her absence coming up, are pretty much the only things holding back our want to just be home already. It's going to make the conflicting emotions already so present about leaving here/going there all the more extreme.

  Pray, pray, pray, I suppose. We must pray for God's will to be done, for his continued great love for Mukelo, for her protection and health, for His guidance on the path of the possibility of our adopting her, and for peace for McAdams' and guidance for them as well.

  He is in control. His will will be done.

  She has taught me so much; a little bit of what being a mother is like, both physically and emotionally. She has taught me greater love, love that is more Jesus-like. She has softened my heart and caused me to cry out to the Lord. She has shown me the beauty of innocence and beauty in general. She has shown me Jesus in more ways than I can count. She has turned my world upside-down, and I am forever changed by and thankful for her. She is beautiful. She is Mukelo. And I will never, ever, ever forget her.

  Maybe one day she will see Lake Michigan. Maybe one day I'll be able to get up with her on Christmas morning and tech her about the Christmas story. Maybe one day, she will be, officially, my little sister.

  I'm hoping against hope.

  And I'm so terrified that it's not what is going to happen. But I must trust. Always trust. God is so good.

  I could write so much more, but I'll end with this, I can't wait to see Amy's face when she sees Mumu again. I can't imagine.

                                                                               *******

                                                                           

The following is from a journal entry from January 25th...

  We brought Mumu up to McAdams'. Amy's face was as beautiful as I knew it would be.

  I managed to (sort of) hold back my tears as I saw Maggie joyfully take her and Steve snuggle her.

  It was hard, of course. It was. I've been so used to her 'being part of our family' that i forgot she was the McAdams' before that.

  Part of me was so happy for how happy they were, but part of me, the selfish part, and the part the loves Mumu so very much, was torn apart.

  We visited, and told Amy about the new things Mumu can do, and the little changes in her routine, and then we said goodbye.

  It was so much different than last time. WE were giving her up, not to people who were just meeting her, (but obviously loved her so, like Fawleys(: ) but people who, in some ways, have rights to her. Giving Mumu over to them that day could have been us handing her over for the last time. They, technically, hold the cards. That was hard.

  But God is good.

  Before we left Amy made sure to pull mom aside and tell her she was going to schedule a meeting with the social worker in charge of Mukelo's case, and that she wanted to continue talking about the possibility of us adopting Mumu.

  I knew mom was rejoicing to hear those words. And I was too.

  Since then mom has communicated more with Amy. Amy expressed that she and Steve felt they were ready to help us start the process of our adoption of Mumu.

  A meeting with the social worker was scheduled for this morning, which mom and Amy attended.

  At this point there are many people working in our favor, it seems, but some who seem to be against international adoption in Swaziland.

  We believe we have to pray for those peoples' hearts to change.

   Mom fully believes it will happen. For her, it is a matter of when, and not if.

  I suppose I'm there too. My heart is definitely apt to be broken if it does not happen.

  I'm so very excited about the possibility though.

  The next step is to put in writing out intentions regarding adoption of Mumu, and give that to the Deputy Prime Minister's office. Mom typed something up, and we'll give it to Amy tomorrow.

  I'm peaceful, and I'm grateful for that.

  ********************************************************************************

  I write in my journal a lot. Sometimes less than I would like, but pretty regularly.

  I would never change the fact that I started that practice when we first got here in 2010. It has helped me in so many ways. I have been able to more fully process different times and circumstances in my life, I have been able to look back and see the Lord's goodness and the way he has blessed me, and I've been able to treasure and cherish times and experiences by putting them in writing, so that I will never forget them. It is an amazing outlet and gift.

  For sure, journaling has been a huge theme in helping me unpack our whole 'Mumu journey'. From the moment we met her, up till the last time I saw her, I can't stop writing about the precious thing. I've blogged about Mumu once or twice, but not since we started this exciting process of hopefully adopting her. Because of all these things, I decided to blog about this, and use my journal(s) as a way to show you where my heart has been at, and what exactly is going on.

  There's so many journal entries I could find and type out about sweet, sweet Mukelo here for you, but this is what is on my heart most prevalently at the moment; our possible adoption of the precious<3

  It's terribly exciting, and also terrifying, and amazing and saddening because I can't imagine how hard this is for McAdams, and new and crazy and confusing, but so, so anchored by God. He absolutely, positively, has got us in the palm of his hand.

  The point of this blog, I guess, is to update you on what's going on with us, especially pertaining to Mukelo and our hopeful adoption, to meditate on God's faithfulness and his amazing guidance, and to keep telling the world how much I love this baby(:

  There seems to be an over-arching feeling of unsureness and confusion and fear in those entries, and I praise the Lord that it seems that none of those adjectives describe me right now. I have such an amazing peace, especially just so recently. After this blog I'm going to post another that I typed a few days ago, where there still seems to be that feeling, but I am blessed and glad to tell you that I am so at peace right now.

  Thank you for your prayers.

  Keep 'em coming(;

  I love and miss you all.

 

  

26 days

Mmmm.

Hello.

I’m not really sure where to start, because there’s so much going on in my heart right now.

I’m going to be in America in 26 days. We’re all excited. There’s a paper chain in the dining room and we’re counting down the days.

We’re still taking baby steps to adopt sweet Mukelo, and getting more and more excited all the time.

We’ve been looking at houses online occasionally, and we’re all eager and excited about a new start; new house, new school, new friends, and so on.

My emotions about going home have been up and down, at best. In October, when we first made the official family decision that we were going to leave Swaziland at the end of our two-year commitment, I was thrilled. I struggled, in fact, with being too eager to just be home already, and for a time it was a stronghold for me, and I had a hard time focusing on what was ahead of me in the moment. I was living in the future.

The initial, extreme excitement wore off slightly after awhile, and with much help from the Lord, I was at peace again, and tried my best to stay fixed on today, and not tomorrow. During Thanksgiving- and Christmastime, I felt good. I did think about going home, of course, and I was excited.

There were certain days during that time, when the power went out on both Christmas night and New year’s Eve night, when it was too hot to even go outside, when all I wanted to do was go home. Be with my friends, and my family. But, overall, those couple of months I was okay, and I felt good.

This beginning of January the realization that I was going home in just two months (and now less than one) hit me hard. It had seemed like the time from our official decision in October to then was as slow as can be, but from that point on it’s absolutely sped by.

These last weeks I’ve struggled with anxiety. Sometimes I can’t get a deep breath, or just want to scream or run around the house a few times(; God has helped me so much by giving me His peace, and the ability to close my eyes, tell myself I’m okay, and just breathe.

Some of the hardest times I’ve ever experienced are the times right before I’m about to leave one country and go to the next. Whether I’m just about to leave Swaziland for the States or vice versa, the last few weeks are arduous. For my heart, for my mind.

During these times, so many things go through my head. People I’ll see again when I return, things I’ll be with and things I’ll be without, the way my mindset and outlook will be affected.

It’s always different, depending on how long I’ll be going to wherever for. I felt so different before we came home for May and June than I do now. We’re coming back to live now.

People, when I tell them we’re coming home, ask me ‘for good?’ I never know how to respond. Uh…I guess so? It’s not like I could see it coming when we first came to Swaziland. I could very well be in some other place I’ve never heard of by this time next year.

But it is different, this time. For the foreseeable future, yes, we will be in the States. The two months was more of an extended vacation. Though it was great, and I had some wonderful experiences, this return to the U.S. is so very unlike those two months.

I’m feeling incompetent, in some ways. As I read the stories of other missionaries and missionary families who stayed in their serving country for years and years, I see myself as somehow ineffective. I know that we are supposed to go home now. I know that, perhaps this return has something to do with our hopeful adoption of Mumu, and the care she could perhaps receive in the States. I know I have purpose.

It’s hard, though. My selfish, human nature wants to be grouped in with those who gave their lives to international missions. I want to be ‘one of them’. I’m praying for peace, and for assurance that God is leading me where I’m supposed to go.

I want to live in his will and do what He asks, but at the same time I want what my flesh wants. I want to go to high school, I want nice clothes, I want to have friends, I want to be able to eat American foods and do American things. It’s such a battle in my heart and soul; that between the desire for earthly things, and the desire for heavenly things.

I think that that battle will be heightened in intensity when I am back in American culture, and exposed to everything that that entails. I will have to be strong, and find my identity in Christ Jesus. I have to let my light shine.

Please, please pray for the victory of the heavenly in my heart. Pray that my flesh dies to the Spirit and that I live out what it means to be a true follower of Christ. I know that I want it. Deep in my soul I want it. But my flesh wants me, and I have to work hard to overcome its longing to overtake me.

I am praying for that peace that passes all understanding. I need it now.

You know, it’s a paradox, though. Though the draws of American culture will be strong and may make it harder to stay strong, I know that I will have so many of you to lean on and you will give me strength. I miss so many of you so much. I am so, so very excited to see your smiles, and to just spend time with you again.
You will help me through. Christ’s love, through you.

I love you all.

See you soon.

Peace.

Never Lose the Joy

  I wrote this on Christmas...but, in true Africa form, the power was out {just as daddy was putting Christmas dinner in the oven, mind you} and then I was having such a hard time uploading the pictures...but now, however many days later, I shall post it(;



  Have you ever noticed that Christmas Eve always turns out being way better than actual Christmas day? That childlike excitement and eagerness that, let’s face it, we all feel to some degree, always seems to surpass the real life Christmas day that follows.

  I seem to always make up these blogs as I go along.

  So bear with me. J (seriously, how often do I say that?)

  Anywayy…yeah…doesn’t it seem like that’s how it goes?

  It shouldn’t be, I don’t think. First of all, I believe we should always have a humble heart, that we should not grow a spirit of greed. That we should so appreciate everything we have…and not grow materialistic and greedy. But also, when we really, really think about the day and event that we celebrate on Christmas day….
　

  Jesus was born!

  The savior of the world!

    God incarnate.

  Here on earth.

  We should be dancing through the streets and shouting the good news from the rooftops!

  Excitement shouldn’t be an afterthought in the sense of Christmas day and the Christmas season and all that it represents, rather, it should be something we can’t ignore! Something that bubbles up inside of us and can’t be surpressed. Something we must share.

  At the same time, however, I believe there should always be some sense of anticipation all the time. Not leading up to a climax on Christmas day, but leading up to the day that He, Jesus, comes again!

  And all will be set right.

  I guess, to tie it all together, what I’m trying to say is this:

 Though the joy and anticipation and excitement we feel leading up to Christmas should come to its peak on Christmas, and though we should celebrate that joyous day fervently and jubilantly, there is a deeper sense of urgency, anxiousness even, for that baby that was born, for whom we celebrate Christmas, to return. To make ‘a new heaven and a new earth’.

  We should always live in readiness for his return, and live for him, and for the assurance that he will come again., all the while telling others about this good news, in hopes that they will feel the joy of his beautiful first coming, and the excitement for his approaching second coming.

   Maybe I’m not making sense, but I trust the Holy Spirit to speak into your hearts what I am trying to say, and that you would understand my gibberish and be touched by it. In some way(:

  Never lose your joy, and your excitement, and tell the world!


  Merry Christmas.






　
　
　

Weekly Post #5 ~ Confused and Unsure

  It's officially Christmastime. And it's sinking in. What is? Oh gosh, everything is.
 
  The fact that this will be my last African Christmas for a long time is sinking in. The fact that, once again, I'm not going to be with my family on this day is sinking in, the fact that I'm leaving here in a little over three months is sinking in. The fact that I'm going to have to say goodbye to the sweetest baby ever that I've grown to love so much in less than a week is sinking in.
 
  My life is crazy. I've learned to deal with that. I'm used to goodbyes. I'm a third culture kid. I've conditioned myself to be okay with missing people. I've been so close to God at times, and so far away at others.
 
  I'm sitting here listening to Reliant K's 2007 Christmas album and wondering how very different my life is going to be next Christmas. Who will I be with? Where will I live? Where will I go to school?
 
  I have no idea.
 
  And I'd like to say that's okay, but right now it's not. I guess I'm kind of confused at the moment. I've had some amazing skype convos with people that I love a lot in the last couple of weeks, and had the opportunity to talk out a lot of stuff that's been flying around in my heart lately.
 
  Maybe I'm okay with the craziness and unsureness of my life, but what's getting me right now is the unfairness of a lot of things. Why does the baby, who I now consider my baby sister, have to try so, so very hard to simply poop? And why is it that, at this point her life expectancy is only 4 or 5 years? Why is it that someone I love a lot back in the States is hurting and they don't really have anyone to lean on?
 
  I don't believe that God forgets about people, but sometimes it does seem like that, like he doesn't see the pain of life on earth. The struggles that so many endure. It's so hard to give up those things to Him.
 
  I feel like this blog may seem all over the place, but I think that what ties it all together is an overall feeling of confusion and being unsure.
 
  I'm confused and unsure about those people I mentioned. I'm confused and unsure as to where I'll be at this time next year, or in five years or ten. I'm confused and unsure as to why I was chosen for this call, and why I'm now being called home.
 
  I'd like to tell you that I've completely given up all of these things to God, but I'm not there yet. I'm still struggling with my human nature and wanting to know what's next.
 
  In times like these I'm so thankful for all the people that I know are praying for me. I love you all so much and I'm so thankful for those prayers.
 
  Pray for peace. For all of us, as we prepare to leave, and to come. Pray for a preparedness to give up baby Mukelo in just a few days to the couple that's coming to care for her in December, and pray for our hearts as we must say goodbye to her. She has grown so close to our hearts and taught us so much. Pray for my friend who's struggling in the States. Pray he stays close to God and that people who love him would come into his life that he can trust and talk to and lean on.
 
  I'm missing the feeling of peace that I almost always have after writing a blog like this, but I trust that there are many praying for me and my family, and I always have God's arms to fall back into.
 
  Thank you for your prayers and love.
 
  Have a wonderful holiday season.
 
  See you soon.

I'm going to miss you so, so much.

Weekly Blog #4 ~ Getting Into the Spirit

  I’m supposed to blog every Friday, but I usually don’t hear the alarm that goes off on my ipod and only remember to do it on Saturday, and this week I’m even waiting till SUNDAY. But I’m doing it J

  I think, actually, that that wasn’t for no reason. The fact that I’m blogging two days late, I mean.

  I’ll tell you why.

  I’m one of those people that would listen to Christmas music all year long if it was socially acceptable. Sometimes it’s one of the only things that cheers me up after a bad day, listening to a little Grobs or Nat King Cole or some fantastic compilation of mainstream holiday songs, even if it’s in the middle of, like, April :D

  So you can imagine that when it actually gets around to that time of year, that something of an avid listener(:

  Last year, I started listening to said music around the middle of October. It was the first Christmas I had in Swaziland, and I was, to say the least, emotional. Christmastime makes me pretty much a nostalgic wreck anyway, but the fact that I was away from home and missing my friends and family and all the traditions that I love so much made me all the more that way.

  When I think about it, listening to music that early wasn’t exactly something I did to make me feel better, but something that sort of helped me feel sorry for myself. It sounds silly, and sometimes it was, but it was a way for me to get those shoved down tears out and to just kind of wallow in self pity for awhile, which can, in a way, make you feel better.

  Yeah. I know. I’m pathetic. But I think that at least some of you know what I’m talking about. J

  Last night, I broke out my beloved Christmas tunes once again. The tenth of November, rather than October. I shed some tears, but, for very different reasons.

  I cried because of how amazingly good God is to me, and has been to me, year by year, Christmas by Christmas.

  I thought about all the Christmases I could remember. The ones when I was a little girl and I couldn’t help from waking up at 4:30 to stare at the beautiful, beautiful tree glowing in the early morning darkness with my little brother, and the overflowing pile of presents underneath it. I thought about the ones in each house I’ve lived in, each special tradition we celebrated in different stages of our family’s life. I thought about that one Christmas where we had a fireplace, and a banister to wrap lights around, and how perfect it all seemed. I thought about that one, last year, where I swam, and we barbecued, and our tree was the top of a freaking aloe branch. And we were in AFRICA.

  And then I stopped. And I thought about baby Jesus. Sweet, little, innocent baby Jesus.

  I thought about that night he was born, and I thought about his life and his teachings, and I thought about his death and his resurrection and I thought about how he lives in my heart, and how the only reason I got to have any one of those Christmases, the only reason I have the amazing family that I have, and the traditions that we keep, the only reason we’ve been to the places we’ve been and done the things we’ve done is because he’s always been right there, in each of our hearts, and in the heart of our family.

  And I thought about how amazing that is.

  And I cried, and I mouthed the words to ‘O Holy Night’, and I took a deep breath, and I knew that this Christmas was going to be a good one. A great one. And I knew that, no matter what, no matter where I am on Christmas next year, or the year after, or EVER, that Jesus will be with me, and will be with our family.

  Over and over I keep discovering this. That he’s always been there an he’ll never leave. And each time I do, it’s infinitely sweet. There’s no better feeling.

  So that’s the reason I’m blogging late. I had to realize that again last night, and then share it with all of you. My prayer is that you discover this anew each Christmas and each day and all the time, and that you will not simply rest in that feeling but shout about it and share it and want it for others, and that I’ll be able to do that as well.

  It’s not Christmas yet, but let’s all get into the spirit. And not the spirit of commercialism and Santa and blah blah blah, but the spirit of the fact that Jesus was born, and he died and is risen and that he lives in us.

  Merry Christmas. (However early it may be[: )

 Our beautiful aloe branch Christmas tree last year(:

This week has been...   
* Heart-breaking.      
* Wonderful.
* Full of love.
* Exhausting.

  So. Yeah. The reason for most of those emotions is a new little visitor we've had here at the Peterson household since last Sunday. So it's been nearly a week.
 
  Our visitor is baby Mukelo. Or Mumu, as most people lovingly call her.
 
  Mumu is a Swazi baby, who was abandoned by her mother when she was about 6 months old at a hospital in Manzini. She spent four months there, and during that time a ministry colleague of ours in Manzini, Amy McAdams visited her many times in the hospital, loved on her, got to know her, and grew such a big heart for her.
 
  In March of this year, Amy and her family made the huge decision to take Mumu as their foster daughter for however long they felt would be right and what they heard from God.
 
  They've had her in their home with her ever since.
 
  I've always admired Amy so much and the McAdams family for the decision they made in taking Mumu into their home and showing her the love she deserves. Mumu has cerebral palsy, a condition that affects her brain and nervous system. Mumu will never walk, and never talk. But she is the sweetest thing in the whole entire world.
 
  She's two and a half, but she looks like she's about 9 months old. she's absolutely beautiful.
 
  As I said, I've always looked upon Amy and her family with such admiration and respect in regards to their care of Mumu. They love Mumu so very much and care for her so well, and up till now I haven't really had any inclination of what it's like to really care for her.

  So this week has been eye-opening and such an amazing experience. We'll have Mumu until the end of November. The McAdams are home in the States now, for November, December, and a few weeks in January. A couple from Illinois is coming for the month of December to take care of her, and then we'll have her back for those few weeks in January.
  
  I've been so excited these past few weeks to have her, and now that she's here, we're so glad. She definitely, definitely takes a lot of love, and is pretty exhausting, but I'm absolutely loving the experience. I think it's such a cool thing for me to do as a fourteen year old girl, such an amazing preview of what I hope will be future motherhood for me. ;)

  I love dressing her up and feeding her and just plain loving on her. She's a beautiful little person and I love her so, so, so much.
 
  I treasure the opportunity to experience what Amy and the rest of the McAdams' experience each day, and to use what I believe my God-given gifts with children are, to help out a family that I love a lot, and to show love to a baby that I also love a whole lot.
 
  So pray for us please. Pray for energy and strength, and more and more love, and that we would just give this sweet, sweet girl the love and care that she deserves, and for now we'll just keep doing the very best that we can with baby Mumu.
 
  Love you all! Mwah mwah!

Sweet baby girl!

                                      

Weekly Blog #2 ~ Buying Tickets

  Hello everyone.

  I miss many of you. I know many of you miss me. And soon we will be together.

  We’ve bought tickets, so I pretty much know exactly when I’m going to see you all. Which is strange. It’s like another level of weirdness. Like, it was weird enough at first, because we had officially decided we were going home, but it’s even stranger now because I know the exact day I’m going to fly out from Joburg, how long I’m spending in Qatar, and then JFK and then Chicago and then home.

  La la la.

  I had someone ask me the other day what I consider home when I told her we had officially decided we’re coming ‘home’. I typed out a quick answer…’they’re both my homes, but I was talking about America.’ But I had wayyy more than that flying around in my head. I decided to spare her extreme emotional vomit on my part, and just went with what I typed out above.

  But I always come back to that old standby.


  Where is home?

  I can try all I can to forget about it, but it keeps coming up, whether it be a question someone asks me, like the one I mentioned earlier, or just in my own meditations.

  I’ve written a lot before about this topic, so I won’t delve too deeply, but it’s one of those times in my life right now that it’s pretty important. Four months. Four months. Four months.

  Four months until my life turns upside down…yet again.

  My culture, my surroundings, the people I interact with, the school I go to, etc., etc., etc., will be completely different as of March 2013.

  I have no idea if I’m ready, but, however surprising it may be, I’m very at peace.

  And I’m pretty freaking excited. J

  Excited to see you all; my friends, my family, to go to school, to go to church…

  I’m looking forward to the holidays, to some upcoming teams and visitors, and to just live out well the last few months we have here.

  I’m trying my best to live them to the fullest. To absorb and take in and cherish every moment where I get to hold a sweet Swazi baby, sit with a beautiful Gogo, play with my fantastic dogs, enjoy my gorgeous house, appreciate the amazing landscape and my surroundings and just this country in general.

  Because I know how very, very much I’m going to miss those things when I don’t have the privilege of doing them anymore.

  I have such a blessed life, and I often shake my head and giggle a little when I realize that I was blessed with it. It’s really astonishing that someone like me gets to do something like this.

  And it’s all because of the God that loves me as a daughter, because I am his daughter!

  So, for now I’ll keep loving and appreciating and cherishing this place.

  And soon, I’ll have the great privilege of seeing you all. J