You Intended to Harm Me, But God Intended it for Good.

  I don't want to burn myself out by writing another blog right after my weekly one, but I met someone today that deserves to be written about.

  Let me tell you his story so far.

  Joseph was born on Monday. Not a Monday, but Monday. As in, five days ago.

  His mother is young. I have never met her, and I have no idea what state her heart is in, only that she was so lost when she made a decision shortly after giving birth to Joseph.

  That decision was to drop her baby boy into a hole in the ground intended to be used for a toilet just a couple of days after he was born.

  Oh what a way to start a life.

  He was found by a member of the community in which he was born and brought to a hospital about 40 minutes away from where I live.

  He is healthy and strong, with only minor physical injuries and harm from his fall into that pit.

  I had the amazing opportunity, along with my mom and a good friend of our family, Mxolisi, of meeting baby Joseph today.

  He is so small. He has to be under a neonatal warming light because he is a bit jaundiced. He is connected to an IV to rehydrate him.

  But he is alive.

  Oh praise the Lord he is alive!

  To my knowledge the baby was not given a name at birth, but when my mom heard the story of how his life started, she knew he was Joseph. She remembered Joseph from the bible, whose brothers threw him into a pit and left him for dead, but who God refused to let go of, keeping him on earth so he could live out the huge plans God had for him.

  I believe, and my mom believes, and I hope you, after reading this blog and hearing Joseph's amazing, amazing story, believe that God also has huge plans for this Joseph.

  I could hear, with every breath that tiny boy took, his will.

  I could feel, as his tiny fingers wrapped around one of mine, his strength.

  And I could sense, in my heart and soul, God's huge presence right there in that little hospital room, and in an even more astounding way, in Joseph's heart and life.

  I trust with all that I am that even while Joseph lay in that pit, the Lord was thinking and planning amazing things for this little boy to do for him and his kingdom.

  My God is a big God. He is big enough to see Joseph, to plan for his life, to work in his mother's heart and to change it. I believe Joseph will do great hings, and I thank the Lord that I had the opportunity to meet him while he is still young and small and innocent.

  I know that I will never, ever forget him and his incredible story, and I hope that the few minutes I held him close to me and prayed silent prayers over him somehow, in whatever tiny way, made up for some of that time he was in the darkness of that pit.

  Though, he was never truly alone, even then.

  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

~Genesis 50:20

Never mind the quality...just look at that beautiful boy! 

Weekly Blog #1 ~ Leaving It Behind

  I've decided to make it a discipline of mine to blog every week. For me, mostly. I journal, but it takes more thought and processing of what I'm feeling to produce something that is suitable for the outside world, so, in a way, it gives me a greater chance to work through everything that's going through my head each week. Sometimes, I'm sure those weekly blogs will be kind of dull, but hopefully sometimes other people, and not just me, will get something out of them.

  So here goes. :)

  This week, I know, will be one I look back on as an important one in my life. Like, really important.

  Anyone that knows anything about me knows I live in Swaziland with my family. Those who know me also know that we are missionaries that work with orphans and widows. They know that I love it here. That I love it so very much. It's a part of who I am. And it always will be. There is no way I could ever forget the experiences I have had here, the people I've met, the places I've gone, because they've worked their way so deeply into the fibers of my heart that it would be impossible to.

  I praise the Lord so often for sending my mom to Swaziland in February of 2009, instilling such a passion and love for this place in her, and not allowing her to shut up about it, until her joy spread and we determined this was where we were being lead. I praise him for taking all of us here in September of 2010, instilling that same passion in us, and making that three months unforgettable. For bringing us back to Swaziland in April of 2011, and giving us the blessing of coming home for a few months this Spring, and back again to Swazi in July.

  Just typing that all out reminds me how very faithful God has been to us in the last few years. There is no other explanation for the favor we have been shown, the way we have been watched over.

  And he will continue to be faithful, but our time in Swaziland is coming to an end.

  I believe all four of us have known this in our hearts for awhile, but, in some ways, haven't wanted to fully accept it in our hearts. I think we all sort of felt that going home would be 'failing God' somehow, that, by leaving a place that had meant so much to us, and that we had felt so strongly lead to, we weren't doing what was right.

  But in the last few months we've spent a lot of time praying and thinking and talking and have come to the heart decision that God is leading us out of Swaziland.

  There is so much sadness in me at the thought and prospect of leaving Swaziland behind. I believe, of course, that that's perfectly normal. This place is part of me. But, at the same time, I think that Satan could easily use that as a tool against me, making me feel guilty for leaving, and planting a seed in my heart that says I am truly leaving it behind.

  The truth, however, is that I never can truly leave it behind. Literally and figuratively.

  I will be back, WE will be back. That is non-negotiable. And, even if we never did come back, my time in Swaziland has so shaped me to be the person I am today, that the emotional effects this time has had on me can never be forgotten, and, in that way, I can never leave it behind.

  Plans are being made, our hearts are being prepared, we're all doing the best we can to live in the moment, and to live out well the final few months we have here. It's a hard thing to do, when there is, as well as the sadness about leaving, so much excitement and anticipation about coming filling my heart. But God is good, and he's giving us what we need, and I'm asking for more and more ability to do that, to live for now, and to stay focused.

  There's an astounding amount of peace overflowing from within me right now, and I praise God for that. I trust that he will bring us through the crazy next couple of months that will be a blur of packing, preparing, and saying goodbye to this place we have all fallen so, so, so head-over-heels in love with, and that we will be fine. He is good. No, he is GREAT. And he will carry us through the next few months, the next few years, and through our whole lives.

  I have no misgivings about that.

  Praise Him for all he has done, is doing, and will do.

  

This One Thing Remains

  I wrote this last week and over a period of a few days...so it is a little late, and kind of scattered, but bear with me(:

  I commented to my mom the other day that if I blogged as much as I wrote on my ipod, it would be ridiculous. :) I think maybe I'll try to actually post some of the little 'blogs' I write on here from now on.

  It always makes me sad when I get out of the habit of blogging regularly, and I always feel like I have to catch you all up on so much.

  So. To summarize the last week, and also the weekend before, I was kind of drained out and then filled up so completely again.

  I think God likes to do that; his favorite times to fill us up are when we are utterly empty.

  As I'm getting into this, delving into what's flying around in my heart, I'm thinking that this is going to have to be split into a couple of blogs(:

  This one will give everyone a sneak peek into how I'm doing. If of course you're interested(;

  If you are, I think the place to start is June of this year. If you read my last blog, you know that in June I was Detroit with my youth group on that on what was a pretty wrecking mission trip for me.

  One of the very best parts of that mission trip was the opportunity to grow closer than ever before with some amazing people. Three people especially. And, because of that extreme closeness we experienced in Detroit, the pain and sharpness of the soon-following separation was all that much harder.

  Last weekend I was struggling a lot with missing these people. I was angry, even. Shouting out to God, wondering why I was chosen for this, for something so very big, when I myself am so very small.

  It didn't make sense to me.

  There were so many things that just piled on top of each other and I was not in the best place that weekend.

  I would think I had finally gotten over the hum pf whatever it was I was feeling (a combination of so much: loneliness, doubt, confusion, anger...) something would tip me over the edge again. I would break down.

  I needed some serious reassurance.

  And man did I get it.

  There were pretty much three layers to that reassurance.

  The first involved one of those three people I got close to in Detroit. Yes, he was a boyyy(:

  This is what God said regarding him: 'I know you care about him, and I do too. And that's good. But he's a boy. And you're 14. I have plans for you, and you have plenty of time to live them out. So keep praying for him. I hear those prayers. But know that he isn't who you are.'

  The second was in relation to those other two special, special people, two amazing girls who I now have no problem considering my best friends.

  Now, living here, I get to meet some pretty amazing people. But the way in which I meet them and make relationships with them is imperfect at best. It's not easy when you spend a fantastic week or month or three months or whatever with fantastic and then they leave. And you'll probably never see them again.

  Because of this unusual way I make friends due to the way I live and because of how hard it is to maintain relationships with people when you're 9000 miles away from them is  (as you may imagine) I admit that I have become almost jaded, and at least guarded, against falling headlong into meaningful, close relationships, and expecting them to stay.

  A lot of people reassured me that they could see that the friendship the three of us had found (me and those two girls) was a strong one, and I tried to believe it, but it was hard because of how I've been hurt in the past.

  In light of all that, this is what the Lord said to me about those two amazing girls through some unexpected emails and skype calls: 'You don't have to be afraid of losing them. They are good girls, and you are a good girl, and your friendship is centered around the right things. It is centered around me! And nothing is better than that. So don't expect this relationship to turn out like others that you've experienced. You can trust me to keep them close while you can't, and you can be sure that they are doing the same for you.'

  And the third, and most important of all, layer of reassurance came through a really, really amazing song called 'One Thing Remains' by Kristian Stanfill. (looove him!)

  I knew we were singing this song last Sunday, I had even sung along as my dad practiced the day before; but the effect the song had on me took me completely by surprise.

  Because they were exactly the words I needed to hear.

  No words could be more relevant and comforting and reassuring to me than the ones I heard that afternoon:

  'Your love never fails

It never gives up,

It never runs out on me!'

  Like, what? I've been failed, I've been given up on, I've been ran out on, we all have! But never by God. Never, ever, ever by God.

  In that third layer God told me this: 'You are okay without that boy. You have good friends. You have really good friends! And I care about you enough to gift those important people to you! But even if I hadn't, even if you were completely without human companionship, you would have Me.'

  'You will never, ever, ever be completely alone.'

  'My love never fails.'

  I went home that night, and realized that the only tears I shed that day were those extremely meaningful ones during that song.

  Thinking about that, I shed a few more.

  And since then the only crying I've done is in worship and thanks and gratitude to the Lord.

  And for that I have nothing to thank but the love that will never fail me, never give up on me, and never run out on me.

  And after all else,

  This one thing remains.

Heart on Fire

  It's been awhile since I've blogged, and this particular blog has a lot to do with stuff that happened a couple of weeks ago, but I'm writing it anyway.(:   

  So, as some of you probably know, I spent the week of June 17-23 in Detroit with my youth group. I had such a fantastic time reconnecting with friends and leaders, experiencing a completely different kind of mission work, and meeting some amazing people.  

  Going into the trip I really didn't think it would be that big of a deal for me. (after all I kind of live a mission trip(: ) God has such a way of destroying our expectations, doesn't he? I was very wrong. Detroit wrecked me in so many ways.    

  Driving into the city, looking around and seeing all the burned buildings, shattered windows, bullet holes, I think all of us just shut off a little bit, didn't allow what we were seeing to truly sink into our hearts and minds. 

   It wasn't until day four, on Wednesday that it hit all of us a lot more deeply how broken Detroit really is. And not just because either.   

  The twenty or so of us had all gone down to the riverfront for devos and ice cream. On the drive back to the church we were staying at we saw a huge amount of smoke that stained the sky a dark shade of gray. It was close.   
 
  The curious, foolish human in us all came out and we decided it was something we wanted to see.    As we raced out of our vans toward the fire, all of us suddenly stopped short. We could hear people screaming, wailing, and the heat was intense even from where we were standing a hundred feet or so away from the house. The sky around the house was bright orange, and people were saying things like, 'He's still in there! He's still in there.' After just staring in shock at the flames for a few seconds, the group of us, a if by some unspoken agreement, took each others hands and started praying like crazy.   

  As we walked away from the horrific scene, many of us, including me; had tears streaming down our faces, our hands clutched to our mouths, shaking our heads in utter disbelief.   

  During the ten minute drive home, I had so many things going through my head. This traumatic event had brought so many strong emotions to the very forefront of my mind. 

   I spent a long time talking to my leaders Deb and Austin about some if the things I was feeling, and throughout the night and even during the next few days, I would find my hand going back up to my mouth, feel the tears start to slide down my face again.  

  I don't believe God ever allows something so insane as someone's house burning down happen without a very good reason. I, for one, have no idea if anyone who was still in the house at the time of the fire got out, and I don't have any clue what plan God had, or has, for that house, for those people; but one thing I know for sure, is that it was no accident Beechwood youth ended up watching as that house went up in flames on a not-so-random Wednesday in Detroit.

  I know that each one of us experienced seeing the fire in different ways, but I have a pretty good idea of what God was showing me as I stared blankly into the flames that evening. It was the moment that what I had been seeing sunk in. It was the cause, not the effect, the flames, not the blackened building. It is so much more powerful to see something like hat, to hear the screams, to feel the heat, than to drive by an abandoned building, roll your windows up and try not to think about why the windows are shattered, why there are bullet holes in the door.

  I realized in that moment that I had been a wall before then in Detroit, letting what I was seeing everyday, all the time, simply bounce off of me, when what God wanted me to be was a sponge, soaking it all in, doing something about it if I could, and bringing it before God if I couldn't. And this concept isn't just for Detroit, isn't just for when you're on 'mission trip' somewhere. Your LIFE should be a mission trip.   

  So today, instead of walking around in a bubble, with your chin pressed permanently to your chest, open yourself up, allow your heart to be broken, allow it to be set ablaze, even if it hurts.   This isn't easy; in fact, it's one of the hardest things in the world, but it's what Jesus did, and it's what he wants us to do. And every once in awhile, you're going to sit up in bed, in the middle of the night, and realize exactly why God wanted you to see this, to do that, and that feeling, the feeling that you did something God WANTED you to do, and there was a reason for it, is better than anything in the world.

Less Than a Week

 So. As you can see by the title, there is less than a week until we go home. Home. Coming Home. Remember that blog? More than a year ago? It's funny how I refer to both here and the States as home. It's true. Anywhere you stay for an extended period of time you're going to put down roots, grow attached to the people, the places, everything there, and it becomes home to you.

 I am beyond excited to be with all of you, to hug you and go to movies with you and eat with you and spend time with you. There are so many things I want to do, and I am ready to be HOME.

 I'm very, very curious to observe how much I miss being here while I'm in the States. The past couple months God has been laying on all of our hearts a strong possibility of staying here longer than our two year commitment, and perhaps this time at home will be a 'test run' of sorts. It's only two months and it'll basically just be a long vacation, so I might not even have a chance to miss Swaziland, with everything going on.

 I guess I just wanted to say hi to you all before I have the actual opportunity to say it out loud, to your face, and accompany it with big hug. I'm ticking off the hours and days on my fingers and am almost constantly smiling. I love you all.

 Pray for me.

Obedience

I’ve had a crazy weekend of hanging out with new people. It’s been amazing. By far my favorite part of living here in Swazi is meeting new people and getting to know them. It’s such an amazing opportunity. It’s like God is saying, ‘You have no friends? Pshhh, here, take your pick!’. Such a blessing. He is an amazing God.
Some amazing people I’ve gotten to hang out with are the World Race team that is here. I feel like I’ve told most of you what the World Race is, and have talked about it in other blogs, so, if you don’t know what it is, look it up.
This team is all girls, all amazing, mature, kind young women. The first night I met them, a couple of weeks ago, they asked me if I would go up to the crafts market in Manzini with them the next Saturday. I said, sure!
I had done it before with a World Race team, acting as a sort of tour guide for them around the ‘big city’. Minus the big.
Manzini is always insane, and we had an insane day, but it was great. I got to know them better and had a great time just hanging out with them.
Apparently, in God’s eyes, Manzini, and, specifically, Manzini buses, are also a great place to teach spiritual lessons…J
When we had first gotten on the bus, we sat there for like 45 minutes waiting for it to fill up. That was a 45 minutes spent baking in the blazing African sun, being crowded together with lots of sweaty Swazis, and tuning out the piercing BEEEEEEEP of the bus’ horn as the bus driver tried to get out of the bus rank.

By the time we got on the road, finally, I was pretty miserable.

And that’s when God decided to test my obedience to him.

Yeahhh, His timing is usually impeccable.

I was sitting here in the window seat, SOAKED in my own sweat, and probably a little bit of the lady’s next to me, blasting my ipod in a desperate effort to tune out the screaming of everyone at the bus rank, the honking of the extremely obnoxious horn, and the yelling of some guy on the bus trying to sell candy, and not too happy, when God points out the little girl standing in the aisle next to my seat.

I had bought two beaded wrap-around type wire bracelets at the market that day, and was pretty happy with them--especially since they matched my outfit…J

I had been playing with the bracelets, wrapping them and unwrapping them from my wrist absentmindedly, when I saw the little girl eyeing them.
God said to me:

‘I want you to give one of your bracelets to that little girl.’

Now here’s what get’s me. God treasures me so much that he (a) gives me a choice…what bracelet will I give to her, and (b) says I only have to give away one. He’s such an amazing Father!

Right away, I thought, ‘No! I just got this bracelet, it matches my outfit, and this girl is absolutely fine, I mean, she had enough money to ride this bus, right? She isn’t suffering too bad.’ Yeah. I know; pathetic. But it was my thought process in the moment.

This went on for a little while in my head, me going back and forth, back and forth…to give the little girl the bracelet, or not.

Eventually, I came to my senses and thought ‘Would I rather NOT have this bracelet, or NOT have the guilt attached TO that bracelet every time I looked at it, thinking, ‘I didn’t obey God and give this away to that little girl.’’ So, I slowly unwrapped the white one from my arm, and wrapped it around her wrist.

She was beaming for the rest of the bus ride.

And so was I.

Up With The Birds

   It is kind of funny that this is the second blog that I wrote that has a little something to do with Coldplay. Psssshhh, you say I'm obsessed with them? Nonsense. :)

   Haha. So anyway.

   Up With The Birds is my favorite song on the new Coldplay album my daddy bought in South Africa last week. It doesn't have any deep meaning or anything that I'm going to write about, it just has something to do with my crazy night last night.

   I literally was up with the birds.

   Not what I would have chosen, but obviously God had a plan...as usual (:

   I was up all night with our puppy, Becker and his sister Lula Belle who is staying with us over Christmas. Unfortunately, Lula Belle brings out the worst in Becker, since she is completely insane. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love them both to death, but she is sort of obnoxious...sort of. :)

   So, Becker and Lula Belle had had a wonderful evening romping around the livingroom and kitchen and had pretty much tuckered themselves out by about 8:00. They slept soundly for awhile, which gave me hope of a quiet night for yours truly.

   Ha. 

   Quiet, indeed.

   Not.

   This little evening nap restored their energy for a fun-filled night of wrestling, pooping on the livingroom floor, and puppies on and off of my bed.

   Not such a great night to get a good old ten hours. I was wide awake on and off from about 2 am to 5:30.

   But, like I said, God had a plan.

   Just as I was about to crawl into my bed and collapse, maybe get a good three hours or so, God put on my heart that I should spend some time in the word.

   Earlier that evening, in our Angus Buchan (The guy from the book/movie Faith Like Potatoes) dinner bible study, we had talked about how important it is to spend time in the word in the morning, to start our day with the Lord. That's really hard for me, because I am not a morning person. :) But, the Lord told me this morning that I should read some. So I did. I was up anyway.

   At first I closed my eyes and asked God to tell me where he wanted me to read from, but I didn't hear anything, so I opened my bible and flipped to a random spot. I opened to the first page of Jeremiah.

   I sat outside on our porch, watched the sunrise (though there wasn't much of one, since the sun was behind the clouds) and read through about chapter 7 in Jeremiah.

   But what I believe God really wanted to show me was in the first chapter.

   Here are the verses I underlined and believe God was speaking to me through:
  

   “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
   before you were born I set you apart;
   I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” ~vs. 1

   Now, this could've been interpreted as my call for this season in Swaziland, with my family for these two years, but I believe God has been calling me to a different sort of mission, one that goes beyond my time in my parents' house, and that will extend into my adult years.

   I believe God eventually wants me to start my adult life in South Africa or Swaziland.

   I don't know exactly what that means, and it is an extremely scary thought, but listen to verses 7-8 and 17

^"But the LORD said to me,

“Do not say, ‘I am too young.’

You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you.

Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,”

declares the LORD." ~vs. 7-8

" “Get yourself ready!

Stand up and say to them whatever I command you.

Do not be terrified by them,

or I will terrify you before them.” " ~vs. 17





  Hallelujah! I don't have to be afraid because God is with me and will rescue me!

  This is one of the first times where I have felt God really, directly speaking to me, and it is so amazing. I am so excited for whatever God has for me, and you can imagine how glad I am I decided to stay awake and read the word, how glad I am for God's prompting to do that.

 

   And, it's amazing, because, it's possible that our puppy Becker will be part of the reason I move back to Africa as an adult.

   And, if so, there's only one thing I need to say to end this blog.

  

   Thanks puppy(:

                  

                    If you'd like to listen to this wonderful song I speak of, follow the link below:

       http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhLJfw3t5hE