I'm ok.

   In the past couple weeks, (or months, hard to tell) I've come to know this peace that is remarkable.

   Every once in awhile I'll just sit and reflect on how I'm feeling in that exact moment. For awhile now the feeling is usually this nuetral sort of state. I'm neither stressed out and worn down, nor anxious or excited, but simply at peace with who God is, who I am, where I am and where God is taking me. 

   It's hard to really put it into words exactly how I've been feeling these past couple months. Perhaps it would be better if I compared it to how I was feeling when we first arrived in Nsoko, and then after a few months.

   As you might imagine, when we came back to Swaziland for the first time in about 6 months, I was basically stoked. (sorry, but that's pretty much the only word that describes it(: ) It worked out pretty well in favor of all my excitement too: It was basically one step after another, all leading closer to my beloved Nsoko. First it was the airport, then the plane, then Africa itself, and then the two weeks we spent in Manzini, and finally, Nsoko.

   And even after that, there was the excitement of just being here, finally. It was what I had been literally dreaming about for half a year now. I was home. But after the excitement of finally being here, of arriving where I thought to be my true home, sort of wore off, I, and our whole family, sort of settled into this plateau sort of period.  There was no 'one leg closer to Nsoko', it just was Nsoko.

   Although it was a time of little excitement in some respects, it was also a time of nervous anxiety in different ways. We all grew homesick. Mom was very sad. Some days all I wanted was to go home. But then I really thought about going home, and what that would really be like. I thought about how much I would miss everyone here.

   I think it would have been easier for me to just long for home totally if I didn't know what it felt like to be away from Swaziland. As I said, I dreamt about coming back here almost every night I was in the States. I longed to hold the babies I call mine, to look into their faces and rock them to sleep. I know what it feels like to want to do something more than you've ever wanted anything in the world. And that was that I wanted to go home.

   So, you see, if this hadn't been so, if I didn't know exactly what it was like to not be here, all I would have wanted in those plateau sort of months would have been to go home. Becuase that's where half of my heart lay, and lies. The fact that half of it still remains grounded firmly here made it even harder.

   It was hard in those months. Some days I would just sit and cry. I will admit that I was angry at God. Even though I know that is the complete wrong emotion to ever feel. I was angry at him for calling me here. Because, truly, there will always be somewhere I want to be. If I'm here, or in America, I'll want to be the other place.

   Slowly, we got back on our feet. Some of you reading this are I'm sure from Beechwood, and know Jim and Lisa Luyk. If you don't, they are just about the sweetest two people you could ever imagine. Anyway, one week in June, they came to visit us here in Swazi. Our visit with them was amazing. If you read my blog 'United For the War' the visitors from the States I talked about were them. In that blog I also explained how after this visit, which was wonderful while it lasted, our family took a turn for the worst again. It was so hard to say goodbye, and we were all quietly fighting feelings of bitterness and doubt in the following weeks.

   Thankfully, that isn't the end of the story. God wasn't finished yet (and I PRAISE him that he STILL isn't :) ). That was June. July was crazy team month, as I am going to call it. At one time we had three teams on the ground at once. One of 30, and two of 15. Basically everyday Dad, and Mom and Jake and I sometimes as well, were running around, driving teams around, helping them with ministry stuff, etc. Now, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love teams, but it's insane. So at that point we were all in this sort of numb state. I was anyway.

   Teams died down and August and September arrived. Right then we were all anticipating the arrival of my Grandma and Grandpa Baker, Mom's parents, who came on the 16th of Sept. Having them here, just like having Jim and Lisa was here, was really, really great. But all through the visit I had in the back of my mind the fear, that when they left, it was going to be like when Jim and Lisa left, we were all going to be just really, really sad.

   I prayed and prayed that this wouldn't happen. And God pulled through. It shouldn't surprise us when God answers our prayers, but it does, doesn't it? Each time He works a miracle in our favor, whether it be big or small, us of little faith are continually amazed by his faithfulness.

   When my Grandma and Grandpa left, initially, I was pretty sad, naturally, but after a few days, I was ok. And I am ok. God has filled me with this peace, this overwhelming peace like nothing I've ever felt.  It's like, ok. Yeah. I'm ok. I don't have to feel anxious about anything, because God's got me. He's got me right in his arms. And if I'm there, what do I have to be afraid of?