Weekly Post #5 ~ Confused and Unsure

  It's officially Christmastime. And it's sinking in. What is? Oh gosh, everything is.
 
  The fact that this will be my last African Christmas for a long time is sinking in. The fact that, once again, I'm not going to be with my family on this day is sinking in, the fact that I'm leaving here in a little over three months is sinking in. The fact that I'm going to have to say goodbye to the sweetest baby ever that I've grown to love so much in less than a week is sinking in.
 
  My life is crazy. I've learned to deal with that. I'm used to goodbyes. I'm a third culture kid. I've conditioned myself to be okay with missing people. I've been so close to God at times, and so far away at others.
 
  I'm sitting here listening to Reliant K's 2007 Christmas album and wondering how very different my life is going to be next Christmas. Who will I be with? Where will I live? Where will I go to school?
 
  I have no idea.
 
  And I'd like to say that's okay, but right now it's not. I guess I'm kind of confused at the moment. I've had some amazing skype convos with people that I love a lot in the last couple of weeks, and had the opportunity to talk out a lot of stuff that's been flying around in my heart lately.
 
  Maybe I'm okay with the craziness and unsureness of my life, but what's getting me right now is the unfairness of a lot of things. Why does the baby, who I now consider my baby sister, have to try so, so very hard to simply poop? And why is it that, at this point her life expectancy is only 4 or 5 years? Why is it that someone I love a lot back in the States is hurting and they don't really have anyone to lean on?
 
  I don't believe that God forgets about people, but sometimes it does seem like that, like he doesn't see the pain of life on earth. The struggles that so many endure. It's so hard to give up those things to Him.
 
  I feel like this blog may seem all over the place, but I think that what ties it all together is an overall feeling of confusion and being unsure.
 
  I'm confused and unsure about those people I mentioned. I'm confused and unsure as to where I'll be at this time next year, or in five years or ten. I'm confused and unsure as to why I was chosen for this call, and why I'm now being called home.
 
  I'd like to tell you that I've completely given up all of these things to God, but I'm not there yet. I'm still struggling with my human nature and wanting to know what's next.
 
  In times like these I'm so thankful for all the people that I know are praying for me. I love you all so much and I'm so thankful for those prayers.
 
  Pray for peace. For all of us, as we prepare to leave, and to come. Pray for a preparedness to give up baby Mukelo in just a few days to the couple that's coming to care for her in December, and pray for our hearts as we must say goodbye to her. She has grown so close to our hearts and taught us so much. Pray for my friend who's struggling in the States. Pray he stays close to God and that people who love him would come into his life that he can trust and talk to and lean on.
 
  I'm missing the feeling of peace that I almost always have after writing a blog like this, but I trust that there are many praying for me and my family, and I always have God's arms to fall back into.
 
  Thank you for your prayers and love.
 
  Have a wonderful holiday season.
 
  See you soon.

I'm going to miss you so, so much.

Weekly Blog #4 ~ Getting Into the Spirit

  I’m supposed to blog every Friday, but I usually don’t hear the alarm that goes off on my ipod and only remember to do it on Saturday, and this week I’m even waiting till SUNDAY. But I’m doing it J

  I think, actually, that that wasn’t for no reason. The fact that I’m blogging two days late, I mean.

  I’ll tell you why.

  I’m one of those people that would listen to Christmas music all year long if it was socially acceptable. Sometimes it’s one of the only things that cheers me up after a bad day, listening to a little Grobs or Nat King Cole or some fantastic compilation of mainstream holiday songs, even if it’s in the middle of, like, April :D

  So you can imagine that when it actually gets around to that time of year, that something of an avid listener(:

  Last year, I started listening to said music around the middle of October. It was the first Christmas I had in Swaziland, and I was, to say the least, emotional. Christmastime makes me pretty much a nostalgic wreck anyway, but the fact that I was away from home and missing my friends and family and all the traditions that I love so much made me all the more that way.

  When I think about it, listening to music that early wasn’t exactly something I did to make me feel better, but something that sort of helped me feel sorry for myself. It sounds silly, and sometimes it was, but it was a way for me to get those shoved down tears out and to just kind of wallow in self pity for awhile, which can, in a way, make you feel better.

  Yeah. I know. I’m pathetic. But I think that at least some of you know what I’m talking about. J

  Last night, I broke out my beloved Christmas tunes once again. The tenth of November, rather than October. I shed some tears, but, for very different reasons.

  I cried because of how amazingly good God is to me, and has been to me, year by year, Christmas by Christmas.

  I thought about all the Christmases I could remember. The ones when I was a little girl and I couldn’t help from waking up at 4:30 to stare at the beautiful, beautiful tree glowing in the early morning darkness with my little brother, and the overflowing pile of presents underneath it. I thought about the ones in each house I’ve lived in, each special tradition we celebrated in different stages of our family’s life. I thought about that one Christmas where we had a fireplace, and a banister to wrap lights around, and how perfect it all seemed. I thought about that one, last year, where I swam, and we barbecued, and our tree was the top of a freaking aloe branch. And we were in AFRICA.

  And then I stopped. And I thought about baby Jesus. Sweet, little, innocent baby Jesus.

  I thought about that night he was born, and I thought about his life and his teachings, and I thought about his death and his resurrection and I thought about how he lives in my heart, and how the only reason I got to have any one of those Christmases, the only reason I have the amazing family that I have, and the traditions that we keep, the only reason we’ve been to the places we’ve been and done the things we’ve done is because he’s always been right there, in each of our hearts, and in the heart of our family.

  And I thought about how amazing that is.

  And I cried, and I mouthed the words to ‘O Holy Night’, and I took a deep breath, and I knew that this Christmas was going to be a good one. A great one. And I knew that, no matter what, no matter where I am on Christmas next year, or the year after, or EVER, that Jesus will be with me, and will be with our family.

  Over and over I keep discovering this. That he’s always been there an he’ll never leave. And each time I do, it’s infinitely sweet. There’s no better feeling.

  So that’s the reason I’m blogging late. I had to realize that again last night, and then share it with all of you. My prayer is that you discover this anew each Christmas and each day and all the time, and that you will not simply rest in that feeling but shout about it and share it and want it for others, and that I’ll be able to do that as well.

  It’s not Christmas yet, but let’s all get into the spirit. And not the spirit of commercialism and Santa and blah blah blah, but the spirit of the fact that Jesus was born, and he died and is risen and that he lives in us.

  Merry Christmas. (However early it may be[: )

 Our beautiful aloe branch Christmas tree last year(:

This week has been...   
* Heart-breaking.      
* Wonderful.
* Full of love.
* Exhausting.

  So. Yeah. The reason for most of those emotions is a new little visitor we've had here at the Peterson household since last Sunday. So it's been nearly a week.
 
  Our visitor is baby Mukelo. Or Mumu, as most people lovingly call her.
 
  Mumu is a Swazi baby, who was abandoned by her mother when she was about 6 months old at a hospital in Manzini. She spent four months there, and during that time a ministry colleague of ours in Manzini, Amy McAdams visited her many times in the hospital, loved on her, got to know her, and grew such a big heart for her.
 
  In March of this year, Amy and her family made the huge decision to take Mumu as their foster daughter for however long they felt would be right and what they heard from God.
 
  They've had her in their home with her ever since.
 
  I've always admired Amy so much and the McAdams family for the decision they made in taking Mumu into their home and showing her the love she deserves. Mumu has cerebral palsy, a condition that affects her brain and nervous system. Mumu will never walk, and never talk. But she is the sweetest thing in the whole entire world.
 
  She's two and a half, but she looks like she's about 9 months old. she's absolutely beautiful.
 
  As I said, I've always looked upon Amy and her family with such admiration and respect in regards to their care of Mumu. They love Mumu so very much and care for her so well, and up till now I haven't really had any inclination of what it's like to really care for her.

  So this week has been eye-opening and such an amazing experience. We'll have Mumu until the end of November. The McAdams are home in the States now, for November, December, and a few weeks in January. A couple from Illinois is coming for the month of December to take care of her, and then we'll have her back for those few weeks in January.
  
  I've been so excited these past few weeks to have her, and now that she's here, we're so glad. She definitely, definitely takes a lot of love, and is pretty exhausting, but I'm absolutely loving the experience. I think it's such a cool thing for me to do as a fourteen year old girl, such an amazing preview of what I hope will be future motherhood for me. ;)

  I love dressing her up and feeding her and just plain loving on her. She's a beautiful little person and I love her so, so, so much.
 
  I treasure the opportunity to experience what Amy and the rest of the McAdams' experience each day, and to use what I believe my God-given gifts with children are, to help out a family that I love a lot, and to show love to a baby that I also love a whole lot.
 
  So pray for us please. Pray for energy and strength, and more and more love, and that we would just give this sweet, sweet girl the love and care that she deserves, and for now we'll just keep doing the very best that we can with baby Mumu.
 
  Love you all! Mwah mwah!

Sweet baby girl!