Maybe One Day

The following is from a journal entry from November 28, 2012...

 

  My heart is having a hard time, I think, determining what my emotional state is,overall, right now. Parts of me are filled with excitement about so many things (the holidays, going home, SOON!....etc.) but parts of me are oh so sad. (having to give Mumu up soon, not being home for Christmas, leaving SOON.) It's all conflicting.

  I'm especially upset, right now, about having to say goodbye to Mumu so soon. though it is a comfort to know we'll have her back for those few weeks in December and January. I'm terrified that this is the last time I have with her. I'm terrified that our hopes or notions or whatever about the possibility of adopting her aren't what's supposed to happen. I can't imagine my life, really, without her.

  I wrote a blog, a few days ago, and it was called 'Confused and Unsure' and I think that's still how I'm feeling. Which sucks. I'll keep praying for peace, I suppose. I am okay, but a bit shaky, I guess. For now I'm savoring these last few days with my Monkey and trying to both not think about the upcoming goodbye, and at the same time, prepare my heart for it. I really am going to miss her so very much. She's so special.

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The following is a journal entry from January 16th...

  Last full day with Mumu for awhile today.

  Maybe one day we won't have to worry about the next 'pass-off' to another family. Maybe one day she'll be part of our family forever. Oh how I hope and pray for it. 

  Throughout the day, we all took turns passing around the baby, shedding some tears, just acknowledging and appreciating one of the last few times we would get to hold her. How it felt. Her voice. Her smile.

  It was easier, definitely easier, giving her up last time. For a few reasons. One, obviously, being that we were comforted by the knowledge that, though she was to be gone for a month, she would be back.

  Also,  we are now giving her back over to those who 'loved her first', so to speak. Those who, in some way, have more of a 'right to her' than we do. This family, based on their decisions, could make or break our chances of adopting Mumu. Of course, God's will will surely be done no matter what, and if she's meant to be theirs, she will be theirs, and if she's meant to be ours, she will be also. And ultimately she is His. I must rest in that.

  Finally, it's harder because of  our close proximity to leaving. We are all antsy to go, but she, and her absence coming up, are pretty much the only things holding back our want to just be home already. It's going to make the conflicting emotions already so present about leaving here/going there all the more extreme.

  Pray, pray, pray, I suppose. We must pray for God's will to be done, for his continued great love for Mukelo, for her protection and health, for His guidance on the path of the possibility of our adopting her, and for peace for McAdams' and guidance for them as well.

  He is in control. His will will be done.

  She has taught me so much; a little bit of what being a mother is like, both physically and emotionally. She has taught me greater love, love that is more Jesus-like. She has softened my heart and caused me to cry out to the Lord. She has shown me the beauty of innocence and beauty in general. She has shown me Jesus in more ways than I can count. She has turned my world upside-down, and I am forever changed by and thankful for her. She is beautiful. She is Mukelo. And I will never, ever, ever forget her.

  Maybe one day she will see Lake Michigan. Maybe one day I'll be able to get up with her on Christmas morning and tech her about the Christmas story. Maybe one day, she will be, officially, my little sister.

  I'm hoping against hope.

  And I'm so terrified that it's not what is going to happen. But I must trust. Always trust. God is so good.

  I could write so much more, but I'll end with this, I can't wait to see Amy's face when she sees Mumu again. I can't imagine.

                                                                               *******

                                                                           

The following is from a journal entry from January 25th...

  We brought Mumu up to McAdams'. Amy's face was as beautiful as I knew it would be.

  I managed to (sort of) hold back my tears as I saw Maggie joyfully take her and Steve snuggle her.

  It was hard, of course. It was. I've been so used to her 'being part of our family' that i forgot she was the McAdams' before that.

  Part of me was so happy for how happy they were, but part of me, the selfish part, and the part the loves Mumu so very much, was torn apart.

  We visited, and told Amy about the new things Mumu can do, and the little changes in her routine, and then we said goodbye.

  It was so much different than last time. WE were giving her up, not to people who were just meeting her, (but obviously loved her so, like Fawleys(: ) but people who, in some ways, have rights to her. Giving Mumu over to them that day could have been us handing her over for the last time. They, technically, hold the cards. That was hard.

  But God is good.

  Before we left Amy made sure to pull mom aside and tell her she was going to schedule a meeting with the social worker in charge of Mukelo's case, and that she wanted to continue talking about the possibility of us adopting Mumu.

  I knew mom was rejoicing to hear those words. And I was too.

  Since then mom has communicated more with Amy. Amy expressed that she and Steve felt they were ready to help us start the process of our adoption of Mumu.

  A meeting with the social worker was scheduled for this morning, which mom and Amy attended.

  At this point there are many people working in our favor, it seems, but some who seem to be against international adoption in Swaziland.

  We believe we have to pray for those peoples' hearts to change.

   Mom fully believes it will happen. For her, it is a matter of when, and not if.

  I suppose I'm there too. My heart is definitely apt to be broken if it does not happen.

  I'm so very excited about the possibility though.

  The next step is to put in writing out intentions regarding adoption of Mumu, and give that to the Deputy Prime Minister's office. Mom typed something up, and we'll give it to Amy tomorrow.

  I'm peaceful, and I'm grateful for that.

  ********************************************************************************

  I write in my journal a lot. Sometimes less than I would like, but pretty regularly.

  I would never change the fact that I started that practice when we first got here in 2010. It has helped me in so many ways. I have been able to more fully process different times and circumstances in my life, I have been able to look back and see the Lord's goodness and the way he has blessed me, and I've been able to treasure and cherish times and experiences by putting them in writing, so that I will never forget them. It is an amazing outlet and gift.

  For sure, journaling has been a huge theme in helping me unpack our whole 'Mumu journey'. From the moment we met her, up till the last time I saw her, I can't stop writing about the precious thing. I've blogged about Mumu once or twice, but not since we started this exciting process of hopefully adopting her. Because of all these things, I decided to blog about this, and use my journal(s) as a way to show you where my heart has been at, and what exactly is going on.

  There's so many journal entries I could find and type out about sweet, sweet Mukelo here for you, but this is what is on my heart most prevalently at the moment; our possible adoption of the precious<3

  It's terribly exciting, and also terrifying, and amazing and saddening because I can't imagine how hard this is for McAdams, and new and crazy and confusing, but so, so anchored by God. He absolutely, positively, has got us in the palm of his hand.

  The point of this blog, I guess, is to update you on what's going on with us, especially pertaining to Mukelo and our hopeful adoption, to meditate on God's faithfulness and his amazing guidance, and to keep telling the world how much I love this baby(:

  There seems to be an over-arching feeling of unsureness and confusion and fear in those entries, and I praise the Lord that it seems that none of those adjectives describe me right now. I have such an amazing peace, especially just so recently. After this blog I'm going to post another that I typed a few days ago, where there still seems to be that feeling, but I am blessed and glad to tell you that I am so at peace right now.

  Thank you for your prayers.

  Keep 'em coming(;

  I love and miss you all.

 

  

26 days

Mmmm.

Hello.

I’m not really sure where to start, because there’s so much going on in my heart right now.

I’m going to be in America in 26 days. We’re all excited. There’s a paper chain in the dining room and we’re counting down the days.

We’re still taking baby steps to adopt sweet Mukelo, and getting more and more excited all the time.

We’ve been looking at houses online occasionally, and we’re all eager and excited about a new start; new house, new school, new friends, and so on.

My emotions about going home have been up and down, at best. In October, when we first made the official family decision that we were going to leave Swaziland at the end of our two-year commitment, I was thrilled. I struggled, in fact, with being too eager to just be home already, and for a time it was a stronghold for me, and I had a hard time focusing on what was ahead of me in the moment. I was living in the future.

The initial, extreme excitement wore off slightly after awhile, and with much help from the Lord, I was at peace again, and tried my best to stay fixed on today, and not tomorrow. During Thanksgiving- and Christmastime, I felt good. I did think about going home, of course, and I was excited.

There were certain days during that time, when the power went out on both Christmas night and New year’s Eve night, when it was too hot to even go outside, when all I wanted to do was go home. Be with my friends, and my family. But, overall, those couple of months I was okay, and I felt good.

This beginning of January the realization that I was going home in just two months (and now less than one) hit me hard. It had seemed like the time from our official decision in October to then was as slow as can be, but from that point on it’s absolutely sped by.

These last weeks I’ve struggled with anxiety. Sometimes I can’t get a deep breath, or just want to scream or run around the house a few times(; God has helped me so much by giving me His peace, and the ability to close my eyes, tell myself I’m okay, and just breathe.

Some of the hardest times I’ve ever experienced are the times right before I’m about to leave one country and go to the next. Whether I’m just about to leave Swaziland for the States or vice versa, the last few weeks are arduous. For my heart, for my mind.

During these times, so many things go through my head. People I’ll see again when I return, things I’ll be with and things I’ll be without, the way my mindset and outlook will be affected.

It’s always different, depending on how long I’ll be going to wherever for. I felt so different before we came home for May and June than I do now. We’re coming back to live now.

People, when I tell them we’re coming home, ask me ‘for good?’ I never know how to respond. Uh…I guess so? It’s not like I could see it coming when we first came to Swaziland. I could very well be in some other place I’ve never heard of by this time next year.

But it is different, this time. For the foreseeable future, yes, we will be in the States. The two months was more of an extended vacation. Though it was great, and I had some wonderful experiences, this return to the U.S. is so very unlike those two months.

I’m feeling incompetent, in some ways. As I read the stories of other missionaries and missionary families who stayed in their serving country for years and years, I see myself as somehow ineffective. I know that we are supposed to go home now. I know that, perhaps this return has something to do with our hopeful adoption of Mumu, and the care she could perhaps receive in the States. I know I have purpose.

It’s hard, though. My selfish, human nature wants to be grouped in with those who gave their lives to international missions. I want to be ‘one of them’. I’m praying for peace, and for assurance that God is leading me where I’m supposed to go.

I want to live in his will and do what He asks, but at the same time I want what my flesh wants. I want to go to high school, I want nice clothes, I want to have friends, I want to be able to eat American foods and do American things. It’s such a battle in my heart and soul; that between the desire for earthly things, and the desire for heavenly things.

I think that that battle will be heightened in intensity when I am back in American culture, and exposed to everything that that entails. I will have to be strong, and find my identity in Christ Jesus. I have to let my light shine.

Please, please pray for the victory of the heavenly in my heart. Pray that my flesh dies to the Spirit and that I live out what it means to be a true follower of Christ. I know that I want it. Deep in my soul I want it. But my flesh wants me, and I have to work hard to overcome its longing to overtake me.

I am praying for that peace that passes all understanding. I need it now.

You know, it’s a paradox, though. Though the draws of American culture will be strong and may make it harder to stay strong, I know that I will have so many of you to lean on and you will give me strength. I miss so many of you so much. I am so, so very excited to see your smiles, and to just spend time with you again.
You will help me through. Christ’s love, through you.

I love you all.

See you soon.

Peace.