Maybe One Day

The following is from a journal entry from November 28, 2012...

 

  My heart is having a hard time, I think, determining what my emotional state is,overall, right now. Parts of me are filled with excitement about so many things (the holidays, going home, SOON!....etc.) but parts of me are oh so sad. (having to give Mumu up soon, not being home for Christmas, leaving SOON.) It's all conflicting.

  I'm especially upset, right now, about having to say goodbye to Mumu so soon. though it is a comfort to know we'll have her back for those few weeks in December and January. I'm terrified that this is the last time I have with her. I'm terrified that our hopes or notions or whatever about the possibility of adopting her aren't what's supposed to happen. I can't imagine my life, really, without her.

  I wrote a blog, a few days ago, and it was called 'Confused and Unsure' and I think that's still how I'm feeling. Which sucks. I'll keep praying for peace, I suppose. I am okay, but a bit shaky, I guess. For now I'm savoring these last few days with my Monkey and trying to both not think about the upcoming goodbye, and at the same time, prepare my heart for it. I really am going to miss her so very much. She's so special.

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The following is a journal entry from January 16th...

  Last full day with Mumu for awhile today.

  Maybe one day we won't have to worry about the next 'pass-off' to another family. Maybe one day she'll be part of our family forever. Oh how I hope and pray for it. 

  Throughout the day, we all took turns passing around the baby, shedding some tears, just acknowledging and appreciating one of the last few times we would get to hold her. How it felt. Her voice. Her smile.

  It was easier, definitely easier, giving her up last time. For a few reasons. One, obviously, being that we were comforted by the knowledge that, though she was to be gone for a month, she would be back.

  Also,  we are now giving her back over to those who 'loved her first', so to speak. Those who, in some way, have more of a 'right to her' than we do. This family, based on their decisions, could make or break our chances of adopting Mumu. Of course, God's will will surely be done no matter what, and if she's meant to be theirs, she will be theirs, and if she's meant to be ours, she will be also. And ultimately she is His. I must rest in that.

  Finally, it's harder because of  our close proximity to leaving. We are all antsy to go, but she, and her absence coming up, are pretty much the only things holding back our want to just be home already. It's going to make the conflicting emotions already so present about leaving here/going there all the more extreme.

  Pray, pray, pray, I suppose. We must pray for God's will to be done, for his continued great love for Mukelo, for her protection and health, for His guidance on the path of the possibility of our adopting her, and for peace for McAdams' and guidance for them as well.

  He is in control. His will will be done.

  She has taught me so much; a little bit of what being a mother is like, both physically and emotionally. She has taught me greater love, love that is more Jesus-like. She has softened my heart and caused me to cry out to the Lord. She has shown me the beauty of innocence and beauty in general. She has shown me Jesus in more ways than I can count. She has turned my world upside-down, and I am forever changed by and thankful for her. She is beautiful. She is Mukelo. And I will never, ever, ever forget her.

  Maybe one day she will see Lake Michigan. Maybe one day I'll be able to get up with her on Christmas morning and tech her about the Christmas story. Maybe one day, she will be, officially, my little sister.

  I'm hoping against hope.

  And I'm so terrified that it's not what is going to happen. But I must trust. Always trust. God is so good.

  I could write so much more, but I'll end with this, I can't wait to see Amy's face when she sees Mumu again. I can't imagine.

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The following is from a journal entry from January 25th...

  We brought Mumu up to McAdams'. Amy's face was as beautiful as I knew it would be.

  I managed to (sort of) hold back my tears as I saw Maggie joyfully take her and Steve snuggle her.

  It was hard, of course. It was. I've been so used to her 'being part of our family' that i forgot she was the McAdams' before that.

  Part of me was so happy for how happy they were, but part of me, the selfish part, and the part the loves Mumu so very much, was torn apart.

  We visited, and told Amy about the new things Mumu can do, and the little changes in her routine, and then we said goodbye.

  It was so much different than last time. WE were giving her up, not to people who were just meeting her, (but obviously loved her so, like Fawleys(: ) but people who, in some ways, have rights to her. Giving Mumu over to them that day could have been us handing her over for the last time. They, technically, hold the cards. That was hard.

  But God is good.

  Before we left Amy made sure to pull mom aside and tell her she was going to schedule a meeting with the social worker in charge of Mukelo's case, and that she wanted to continue talking about the possibility of us adopting Mumu.

  I knew mom was rejoicing to hear those words. And I was too.

  Since then mom has communicated more with Amy. Amy expressed that she and Steve felt they were ready to help us start the process of our adoption of Mumu.

  A meeting with the social worker was scheduled for this morning, which mom and Amy attended.

  At this point there are many people working in our favor, it seems, but some who seem to be against international adoption in Swaziland.

  We believe we have to pray for those peoples' hearts to change.

   Mom fully believes it will happen. For her, it is a matter of when, and not if.

  I suppose I'm there too. My heart is definitely apt to be broken if it does not happen.

  I'm so very excited about the possibility though.

  The next step is to put in writing out intentions regarding adoption of Mumu, and give that to the Deputy Prime Minister's office. Mom typed something up, and we'll give it to Amy tomorrow.

  I'm peaceful, and I'm grateful for that.

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  I write in my journal a lot. Sometimes less than I would like, but pretty regularly.

  I would never change the fact that I started that practice when we first got here in 2010. It has helped me in so many ways. I have been able to more fully process different times and circumstances in my life, I have been able to look back and see the Lord's goodness and the way he has blessed me, and I've been able to treasure and cherish times and experiences by putting them in writing, so that I will never forget them. It is an amazing outlet and gift.

  For sure, journaling has been a huge theme in helping me unpack our whole 'Mumu journey'. From the moment we met her, up till the last time I saw her, I can't stop writing about the precious thing. I've blogged about Mumu once or twice, but not since we started this exciting process of hopefully adopting her. Because of all these things, I decided to blog about this, and use my journal(s) as a way to show you where my heart has been at, and what exactly is going on.

  There's so many journal entries I could find and type out about sweet, sweet Mukelo here for you, but this is what is on my heart most prevalently at the moment; our possible adoption of the precious<3

  It's terribly exciting, and also terrifying, and amazing and saddening because I can't imagine how hard this is for McAdams, and new and crazy and confusing, but so, so anchored by God. He absolutely, positively, has got us in the palm of his hand.

  The point of this blog, I guess, is to update you on what's going on with us, especially pertaining to Mukelo and our hopeful adoption, to meditate on God's faithfulness and his amazing guidance, and to keep telling the world how much I love this baby(:

  There seems to be an over-arching feeling of unsureness and confusion and fear in those entries, and I praise the Lord that it seems that none of those adjectives describe me right now. I have such an amazing peace, especially just so recently. After this blog I'm going to post another that I typed a few days ago, where there still seems to be that feeling, but I am blessed and glad to tell you that I am so at peace right now.

  Thank you for your prayers.

  Keep 'em coming(;

  I love and miss you all.