Weekly Blog #2 ~ Buying Tickets

  Hello everyone.

  I miss many of you. I know many of you miss me. And soon we will be together.

  We’ve bought tickets, so I pretty much know exactly when I’m going to see you all. Which is strange. It’s like another level of weirdness. Like, it was weird enough at first, because we had officially decided we were going home, but it’s even stranger now because I know the exact day I’m going to fly out from Joburg, how long I’m spending in Qatar, and then JFK and then Chicago and then home.

  La la la.

  I had someone ask me the other day what I consider home when I told her we had officially decided we’re coming ‘home’. I typed out a quick answer…’they’re both my homes, but I was talking about America.’ But I had wayyy more than that flying around in my head. I decided to spare her extreme emotional vomit on my part, and just went with what I typed out above.

  But I always come back to that old standby.


  Where is home?

  I can try all I can to forget about it, but it keeps coming up, whether it be a question someone asks me, like the one I mentioned earlier, or just in my own meditations.

  I’ve written a lot before about this topic, so I won’t delve too deeply, but it’s one of those times in my life right now that it’s pretty important. Four months. Four months. Four months.

  Four months until my life turns upside down…yet again.

  My culture, my surroundings, the people I interact with, the school I go to, etc., etc., etc., will be completely different as of March 2013.

  I have no idea if I’m ready, but, however surprising it may be, I’m very at peace.

  And I’m pretty freaking excited. J

  Excited to see you all; my friends, my family, to go to school, to go to church…

  I’m looking forward to the holidays, to some upcoming teams and visitors, and to just live out well the last few months we have here.

  I’m trying my best to live them to the fullest. To absorb and take in and cherish every moment where I get to hold a sweet Swazi baby, sit with a beautiful Gogo, play with my fantastic dogs, enjoy my gorgeous house, appreciate the amazing landscape and my surroundings and just this country in general.

  Because I know how very, very much I’m going to miss those things when I don’t have the privilege of doing them anymore.

  I have such a blessed life, and I often shake my head and giggle a little when I realize that I was blessed with it. It’s really astonishing that someone like me gets to do something like this.

  And it’s all because of the God that loves me as a daughter, because I am his daughter!

  So, for now I’ll keep loving and appreciating and cherishing this place.

  And soon, I’ll have the great privilege of seeing you all. J

You Intended to Harm Me, But God Intended it for Good.

  I don't want to burn myself out by writing another blog right after my weekly one, but I met someone today that deserves to be written about.

  Let me tell you his story so far.

  Joseph was born on Monday. Not a Monday, but Monday. As in, five days ago.

  His mother is young. I have never met her, and I have no idea what state her heart is in, only that she was so lost when she made a decision shortly after giving birth to Joseph.

  That decision was to drop her baby boy into a hole in the ground intended to be used for a toilet just a couple of days after he was born.

  Oh what a way to start a life.

  He was found by a member of the community in which he was born and brought to a hospital about 40 minutes away from where I live.

  He is healthy and strong, with only minor physical injuries and harm from his fall into that pit.

  I had the amazing opportunity, along with my mom and a good friend of our family, Mxolisi, of meeting baby Joseph today.

  He is so small. He has to be under a neonatal warming light because he is a bit jaundiced. He is connected to an IV to rehydrate him.

  But he is alive.

  Oh praise the Lord he is alive!

  To my knowledge the baby was not given a name at birth, but when my mom heard the story of how his life started, she knew he was Joseph. She remembered Joseph from the bible, whose brothers threw him into a pit and left him for dead, but who God refused to let go of, keeping him on earth so he could live out the huge plans God had for him.

  I believe, and my mom believes, and I hope you, after reading this blog and hearing Joseph's amazing, amazing story, believe that God also has huge plans for this Joseph.

  I could hear, with every breath that tiny boy took, his will.

  I could feel, as his tiny fingers wrapped around one of mine, his strength.

  And I could sense, in my heart and soul, God's huge presence right there in that little hospital room, and in an even more astounding way, in Joseph's heart and life.

  I trust with all that I am that even while Joseph lay in that pit, the Lord was thinking and planning amazing things for this little boy to do for him and his kingdom.

  My God is a big God. He is big enough to see Joseph, to plan for his life, to work in his mother's heart and to change it. I believe Joseph will do great hings, and I thank the Lord that I had the opportunity to meet him while he is still young and small and innocent.

  I know that I will never, ever forget him and his incredible story, and I hope that the few minutes I held him close to me and prayed silent prayers over him somehow, in whatever tiny way, made up for some of that time he was in the darkness of that pit.

  Though, he was never truly alone, even then.

  You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

~Genesis 50:20

Never mind the quality...just look at that beautiful boy! 

Weekly Blog #1 ~ Leaving It Behind

  I've decided to make it a discipline of mine to blog every week. For me, mostly. I journal, but it takes more thought and processing of what I'm feeling to produce something that is suitable for the outside world, so, in a way, it gives me a greater chance to work through everything that's going through my head each week. Sometimes, I'm sure those weekly blogs will be kind of dull, but hopefully sometimes other people, and not just me, will get something out of them.

  So here goes. :)

  This week, I know, will be one I look back on as an important one in my life. Like, really important.

  Anyone that knows anything about me knows I live in Swaziland with my family. Those who know me also know that we are missionaries that work with orphans and widows. They know that I love it here. That I love it so very much. It's a part of who I am. And it always will be. There is no way I could ever forget the experiences I have had here, the people I've met, the places I've gone, because they've worked their way so deeply into the fibers of my heart that it would be impossible to.

  I praise the Lord so often for sending my mom to Swaziland in February of 2009, instilling such a passion and love for this place in her, and not allowing her to shut up about it, until her joy spread and we determined this was where we were being lead. I praise him for taking all of us here in September of 2010, instilling that same passion in us, and making that three months unforgettable. For bringing us back to Swaziland in April of 2011, and giving us the blessing of coming home for a few months this Spring, and back again to Swazi in July.

  Just typing that all out reminds me how very faithful God has been to us in the last few years. There is no other explanation for the favor we have been shown, the way we have been watched over.

  And he will continue to be faithful, but our time in Swaziland is coming to an end.

  I believe all four of us have known this in our hearts for awhile, but, in some ways, haven't wanted to fully accept it in our hearts. I think we all sort of felt that going home would be 'failing God' somehow, that, by leaving a place that had meant so much to us, and that we had felt so strongly lead to, we weren't doing what was right.

  But in the last few months we've spent a lot of time praying and thinking and talking and have come to the heart decision that God is leading us out of Swaziland.

  There is so much sadness in me at the thought and prospect of leaving Swaziland behind. I believe, of course, that that's perfectly normal. This place is part of me. But, at the same time, I think that Satan could easily use that as a tool against me, making me feel guilty for leaving, and planting a seed in my heart that says I am truly leaving it behind.

  The truth, however, is that I never can truly leave it behind. Literally and figuratively.

  I will be back, WE will be back. That is non-negotiable. And, even if we never did come back, my time in Swaziland has so shaped me to be the person I am today, that the emotional effects this time has had on me can never be forgotten, and, in that way, I can never leave it behind.

  Plans are being made, our hearts are being prepared, we're all doing the best we can to live in the moment, and to live out well the final few months we have here. It's a hard thing to do, when there is, as well as the sadness about leaving, so much excitement and anticipation about coming filling my heart. But God is good, and he's giving us what we need, and I'm asking for more and more ability to do that, to live for now, and to stay focused.

  There's an astounding amount of peace overflowing from within me right now, and I praise God for that. I trust that he will bring us through the crazy next couple of months that will be a blur of packing, preparing, and saying goodbye to this place we have all fallen so, so, so head-over-heels in love with, and that we will be fine. He is good. No, he is GREAT. And he will carry us through the next few months, the next few years, and through our whole lives.

  I have no misgivings about that.

  Praise Him for all he has done, is doing, and will do.

  

This One Thing Remains

  I wrote this last week and over a period of a few days...so it is a little late, and kind of scattered, but bear with me(:

  I commented to my mom the other day that if I blogged as much as I wrote on my ipod, it would be ridiculous. :) I think maybe I'll try to actually post some of the little 'blogs' I write on here from now on.

  It always makes me sad when I get out of the habit of blogging regularly, and I always feel like I have to catch you all up on so much.

  So. To summarize the last week, and also the weekend before, I was kind of drained out and then filled up so completely again.

  I think God likes to do that; his favorite times to fill us up are when we are utterly empty.

  As I'm getting into this, delving into what's flying around in my heart, I'm thinking that this is going to have to be split into a couple of blogs(:

  This one will give everyone a sneak peek into how I'm doing. If of course you're interested(;

  If you are, I think the place to start is June of this year. If you read my last blog, you know that in June I was Detroit with my youth group on that on what was a pretty wrecking mission trip for me.

  One of the very best parts of that mission trip was the opportunity to grow closer than ever before with some amazing people. Three people especially. And, because of that extreme closeness we experienced in Detroit, the pain and sharpness of the soon-following separation was all that much harder.

  Last weekend I was struggling a lot with missing these people. I was angry, even. Shouting out to God, wondering why I was chosen for this, for something so very big, when I myself am so very small.

  It didn't make sense to me.

  There were so many things that just piled on top of each other and I was not in the best place that weekend.

  I would think I had finally gotten over the hum pf whatever it was I was feeling (a combination of so much: loneliness, doubt, confusion, anger...) something would tip me over the edge again. I would break down.

  I needed some serious reassurance.

  And man did I get it.

  There were pretty much three layers to that reassurance.

  The first involved one of those three people I got close to in Detroit. Yes, he was a boyyy(:

  This is what God said regarding him: 'I know you care about him, and I do too. And that's good. But he's a boy. And you're 14. I have plans for you, and you have plenty of time to live them out. So keep praying for him. I hear those prayers. But know that he isn't who you are.'

  The second was in relation to those other two special, special people, two amazing girls who I now have no problem considering my best friends.

  Now, living here, I get to meet some pretty amazing people. But the way in which I meet them and make relationships with them is imperfect at best. It's not easy when you spend a fantastic week or month or three months or whatever with fantastic and then they leave. And you'll probably never see them again.

  Because of this unusual way I make friends due to the way I live and because of how hard it is to maintain relationships with people when you're 9000 miles away from them is  (as you may imagine) I admit that I have become almost jaded, and at least guarded, against falling headlong into meaningful, close relationships, and expecting them to stay.

  A lot of people reassured me that they could see that the friendship the three of us had found (me and those two girls) was a strong one, and I tried to believe it, but it was hard because of how I've been hurt in the past.

  In light of all that, this is what the Lord said to me about those two amazing girls through some unexpected emails and skype calls: 'You don't have to be afraid of losing them. They are good girls, and you are a good girl, and your friendship is centered around the right things. It is centered around me! And nothing is better than that. So don't expect this relationship to turn out like others that you've experienced. You can trust me to keep them close while you can't, and you can be sure that they are doing the same for you.'

  And the third, and most important of all, layer of reassurance came through a really, really amazing song called 'One Thing Remains' by Kristian Stanfill. (looove him!)

  I knew we were singing this song last Sunday, I had even sung along as my dad practiced the day before; but the effect the song had on me took me completely by surprise.

  Because they were exactly the words I needed to hear.

  No words could be more relevant and comforting and reassuring to me than the ones I heard that afternoon:

  'Your love never fails

It never gives up,

It never runs out on me!'

  Like, what? I've been failed, I've been given up on, I've been ran out on, we all have! But never by God. Never, ever, ever by God.

  In that third layer God told me this: 'You are okay without that boy. You have good friends. You have really good friends! And I care about you enough to gift those important people to you! But even if I hadn't, even if you were completely without human companionship, you would have Me.'

  'You will never, ever, ever be completely alone.'

  'My love never fails.'

  I went home that night, and realized that the only tears I shed that day were those extremely meaningful ones during that song.

  Thinking about that, I shed a few more.

  And since then the only crying I've done is in worship and thanks and gratitude to the Lord.

  And for that I have nothing to thank but the love that will never fail me, never give up on me, and never run out on me.

  And after all else,

  This one thing remains.