26 days

Mmmm.

Hello.

I’m not really sure where to start, because there’s so much going on in my heart right now.

I’m going to be in America in 26 days. We’re all excited. There’s a paper chain in the dining room and we’re counting down the days.

We’re still taking baby steps to adopt sweet Mukelo, and getting more and more excited all the time.

We’ve been looking at houses online occasionally, and we’re all eager and excited about a new start; new house, new school, new friends, and so on.

My emotions about going home have been up and down, at best. In October, when we first made the official family decision that we were going to leave Swaziland at the end of our two-year commitment, I was thrilled. I struggled, in fact, with being too eager to just be home already, and for a time it was a stronghold for me, and I had a hard time focusing on what was ahead of me in the moment. I was living in the future.

The initial, extreme excitement wore off slightly after awhile, and with much help from the Lord, I was at peace again, and tried my best to stay fixed on today, and not tomorrow. During Thanksgiving- and Christmastime, I felt good. I did think about going home, of course, and I was excited.

There were certain days during that time, when the power went out on both Christmas night and New year’s Eve night, when it was too hot to even go outside, when all I wanted to do was go home. Be with my friends, and my family. But, overall, those couple of months I was okay, and I felt good.

This beginning of January the realization that I was going home in just two months (and now less than one) hit me hard. It had seemed like the time from our official decision in October to then was as slow as can be, but from that point on it’s absolutely sped by.

These last weeks I’ve struggled with anxiety. Sometimes I can’t get a deep breath, or just want to scream or run around the house a few times(; God has helped me so much by giving me His peace, and the ability to close my eyes, tell myself I’m okay, and just breathe.

Some of the hardest times I’ve ever experienced are the times right before I’m about to leave one country and go to the next. Whether I’m just about to leave Swaziland for the States or vice versa, the last few weeks are arduous. For my heart, for my mind.

During these times, so many things go through my head. People I’ll see again when I return, things I’ll be with and things I’ll be without, the way my mindset and outlook will be affected.

It’s always different, depending on how long I’ll be going to wherever for. I felt so different before we came home for May and June than I do now. We’re coming back to live now.

People, when I tell them we’re coming home, ask me ‘for good?’ I never know how to respond. Uh…I guess so? It’s not like I could see it coming when we first came to Swaziland. I could very well be in some other place I’ve never heard of by this time next year.

But it is different, this time. For the foreseeable future, yes, we will be in the States. The two months was more of an extended vacation. Though it was great, and I had some wonderful experiences, this return to the U.S. is so very unlike those two months.

I’m feeling incompetent, in some ways. As I read the stories of other missionaries and missionary families who stayed in their serving country for years and years, I see myself as somehow ineffective. I know that we are supposed to go home now. I know that, perhaps this return has something to do with our hopeful adoption of Mumu, and the care she could perhaps receive in the States. I know I have purpose.

It’s hard, though. My selfish, human nature wants to be grouped in with those who gave their lives to international missions. I want to be ‘one of them’. I’m praying for peace, and for assurance that God is leading me where I’m supposed to go.

I want to live in his will and do what He asks, but at the same time I want what my flesh wants. I want to go to high school, I want nice clothes, I want to have friends, I want to be able to eat American foods and do American things. It’s such a battle in my heart and soul; that between the desire for earthly things, and the desire for heavenly things.

I think that that battle will be heightened in intensity when I am back in American culture, and exposed to everything that that entails. I will have to be strong, and find my identity in Christ Jesus. I have to let my light shine.

Please, please pray for the victory of the heavenly in my heart. Pray that my flesh dies to the Spirit and that I live out what it means to be a true follower of Christ. I know that I want it. Deep in my soul I want it. But my flesh wants me, and I have to work hard to overcome its longing to overtake me.

I am praying for that peace that passes all understanding. I need it now.

You know, it’s a paradox, though. Though the draws of American culture will be strong and may make it harder to stay strong, I know that I will have so many of you to lean on and you will give me strength. I miss so many of you so much. I am so, so very excited to see your smiles, and to just spend time with you again.
You will help me through. Christ’s love, through you.

I love you all.

See you soon.

Peace.