The fact that this will be my last African Christmas for a long time is sinking in. The fact that, once again, I'm not going to be with my family on this day is sinking in, the fact that I'm leaving here in a little over three months is sinking in. The fact that I'm going to have to say goodbye to the sweetest baby ever that I've grown to love so much in less than a week is sinking in.
My life is crazy. I've learned to deal with that. I'm used to goodbyes. I'm a third culture kid. I've conditioned myself to be okay with missing people. I've been so close to God at times, and so far away at others.
I'm sitting here listening to Reliant K's 2007 Christmas album and wondering how very different my life is going to be next Christmas. Who will I be with? Where will I live? Where will I go to school?
I have no idea.
And I'd like to say that's okay, but right now it's not. I guess I'm kind of confused at the moment. I've had some amazing skype convos with people that I love a lot in the last couple of weeks, and had the opportunity to talk out a lot of stuff that's been flying around in my heart lately.
Maybe I'm okay with the craziness and unsureness of my life, but what's getting me right now is the unfairness of a lot of things. Why does the baby, who I now consider my baby sister, have to try so, so very hard to simply poop? And why is it that, at this point her life expectancy is only 4 or 5 years? Why is it that someone I love a lot back in the States is hurting and they don't really have anyone to lean on?
I don't believe that God forgets about people, but sometimes it does seem like that, like he doesn't see the pain of life on earth. The struggles that so many endure. It's so hard to give up those things to Him.
I feel like this blog may seem all over the place, but I think that what ties it all together is an overall feeling of confusion and being unsure.
I'm confused and unsure about those people I mentioned. I'm confused and unsure as to where I'll be at this time next year, or in five years or ten. I'm confused and unsure as to why I was chosen for this call, and why I'm now being called home.
I'd like to tell you that I've completely given up all of these things to God, but I'm not there yet. I'm still struggling with my human nature and wanting to know what's next.
In times like these I'm so thankful for all the people that I know are praying for me. I love you all so much and I'm so thankful for those prayers.
Pray for peace. For all of us, as we prepare to leave, and to come. Pray for a preparedness to give up baby Mukelo in just a few days to the couple that's coming to care for her in December, and pray for our hearts as we must say goodbye to her. She has grown so close to our hearts and taught us so much. Pray for my friend who's struggling in the States. Pray he stays close to God and that people who love him would come into his life that he can trust and talk to and lean on.
I'm missing the feeling of peace that I almost always have after writing a blog like this, but I trust that there are many praying for me and my family, and I always have God's arms to fall back into.
Thank you for your prayers and love.
Have a wonderful holiday season.
See you soon.
I'm going to miss you so, so much.
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